In my seven years of infertility, I’ve heard it all. “Just relax. Go to this doctor. Have you thought about adopting? Have you thought about IVF? You’re next! I just know it’ll happen. My friend was diagnosed infertile and (insert long story about yet another person getting their baby here)”. We know that all these words of advice and assumptions are meant well, but they really aren’t helpful. The track we hear in our head over and over “But what if….” What if it doesn’t happen? In infertility, we do not live with guarantees.
Here’s what happens when you assume. We start laying bricks that create walls to separate us from the hurt. Unfollowing on social media. Only showing you the smile. Being too “busy” to hang out. Withholding the updates from our doctors. It hurts too much for our pain and grief to be brushed off with assumptions.
What we need to hear is actually totally separate from our infertility. We need to hear how we’re valued. We need to hear how you appreciate our nurturing. We need to hear how much we mean to you. When our bodies are betraying us, we need to know how important we are to you anyway. Not for what we can or can’t produce. Yes we know that you hope for the best for us but please don’t assume that we’re going to get our baby because we don’t assume anything. We just live with the lack today. So just live with the lack with us and tell us how special we are to you. Because deep down, we want to be special to someone.
Casey Watkins has been married for eight years to her IT handyman. Together, they live in an old house on the east side of Indianapolis with their cat, Charlie. In their seven years of infertility, they’ve renovated their house, visited Iceland and baked a lot of cake. You can read more about Casey over on her blog, Chasing Cozy.