I was sitting on the couch of a family member and somehow, a life updates chat turned into an adoption guilt trip. “I just don’t know how anyone who can’t have children won’t adopt!” When she looked at me and asked “You’re not mad at me are you?”, the tears spilled over and out of everything I wanted to say, all I could say was “I’m sorry I’m not doing enough.”
For years I’ve felt like I wasn’t doing enough. Part of wanting children was because children meant a life of home and nurturing and always being busy with something. So not getting any didn’t seem good enough for my family. I wasn’t making money or making babies so even when I was working three small jobs and taking care of the home and husband I have, I was told I was “doing nothing”. But also, there is the prayer aspect. It’s been 9 and a half years since I began praying for Baby Watkins. We’ve been prayed over by countless people, been anointed with oil multiple times and we still have people praying for us. So it feels like we’re a disappointment that it’s still just us. Like my faith hasn’t been enough. Like I’m not enough.
If you feel the same way, let me tell you something. ITS A FUCKING LIE. Excuse my French… but I need you to remember that. You are enough. Your journey, your loss, your grief, none of it is your fault. These struggles don’t make you any less kind, less creative, less beautiful, less wonderful, less. We are beautiful human beings, despite our scars, and we need to treat ourselves as such. This week, whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, I want you to say out loud “I am not a disappointment.” I’m going to do it too! We need to hear it and if no one will tell you, then we can tell ourselves. You are enough, sweetheart.
Casey Watkins has been married to her IT handyman for ten years. Together, they live in an old house on the east side of Indianapolis with their cats, Charlie and Hermione. In their nine years of infertility, they’ve renovated their house, visited Iceland and baked a lot of cake. You can read more about Casey on her Instagram, chasing_cozy!