We got a belated Christmas letter in the mail the other week from a family my parents have known forever. At the end of the typed spiel about the updates and adventure from their year was a little handwritten note, telling me she’s praying for little ones for me still. And it unsettled me.
At 9.5 years of waiting, I’m not in the place I used to be. I no longer believe that having kids is my purpose in life. Part of my moving on is out of survival but part of it is also just the desire to move forward and live a good life. Except now, with my passion for home and family and also my childlessness, I am struggling to unite those two. Living a life that fulfills my desire to nurture without having children to pour into is not something I was prepared for. And you don’t see a lot of women being homemakers without little people shadowing them around the house. So that’s something I’m determined to figure out because homemaking brings me joy! Taking care of the people I love and creating a beautiful space to live in is my passion. And I shouldn’t need children to make that a worthwhile endeavor.
Another weird thing that note made me recognize, I don’t want to be an old mom. I dreamed of chasing kids around with the life and energy of a twenty something, not needing to take their friends on family vacation to help me keep up. Of baking cookies and going to the library in the same day instead of needing an afternoon nap together. Of filling our week with field trips and craft days and cousin sleepovers instead of evening walks being about all I can handle. If I had a baby now, I’d be doing toddler years in my thirties and it would be a slower pace. It’s a weird thing to grieve but I’m grieving it. And there’s nothing wrong with having kids when you’re older obviously! It just wasn’t my dream.
So, where I am now, I’m enjoying having my nieces over for an Aunt KK day and then spending a quiet evening with my husband on the sofa. I’m delighting in buying delicate stemmed wine glasses and new candles because there aren’t any kids here to knock them over. The few toys I do own, I’m squirreling away because there is no reason for them to stay out all the time. I’m writing this very post in my pink room that was supposed to be the nursery. I’m switching gears for what my life looks like because I’m not required to keep the same dreams for things that are denied to me. And that’s okay!
If you’re in a similar place, tired of waiting and trying and grieving, know that it is okay to switch gears! You don’t have to hold on to old dreams because someone else is still holding them for you. You are allowed and encouraged to enjoy your life, whatever that looks like.
Casey Watkins has been married to her IT handyman for ten years. Together, they live in an old house on the east side of Indianapolis with their cats, Charlie and Hermione. In their nine years of infertility, they’ve renovated their house, visited Iceland and baked a lot of cake. You can read more about Casey on her Instagram, chasing_cozy!